23 truths?

23 Hard truths about Rock Bands is a funny email.

#19 is out and out WRONG however, and #20 has some notable exceptions, but #17 is just plain gospel.

  1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
  2. Your manager is not helping you. Fire him/her.
  3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word “recoupable” in the dictionary.
  4. No one cares who you’ve opened for.
  5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more “important”.
  6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it’s time to break up.
  7. When you talk on stage, you are never funny.
  8. If you sound like another band, don’t act like you’re unfamiliar with their music.
  9. Asking a crowd how they’re doing is just amplified small talk. Don’t do it.
  10. Never name a song after your band.
  11. Never name your band after a song.
  12. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer…….IMMEDIATELY.
  13. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
  14. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it’s rock ‘n’ roll, not a soccer game. They’ve gotta stop coming to your shows.
  15. It’s not a “showcase”. It’s a gig that doesn’t pay.
  16. No one cares that you have a web site.
  17. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
  18. Playing in Hendersonville & Smyrna doesn’t mean you’re on tour.
  19. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
  20. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
  21. If blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
  22. Rock oxymoron’s; “major label interest”, “demo deal”.
  23. 3 things that are never coming back:
    a) gongs, b) headbands c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle