(de)lousing

Continuing my recent media fixation, I turned to the Weekly World News for relief. In the spirit of full disclosure, I feel it important to relate the latest health problem they are trying to bring to the public’s attention:

Warning to Women! Your Man’s Beard May be Crawling with Bugs—20,000 of them!

This reputable news source offers several potential ways to protect yourself:

1. Maintaining a distance of four to six feet at all times—or drastically reducing exposure.
2. Placing a clear plastic sheet or strong paper between you and the beard during intimacies.
3. Wearing inexpensive gauze or paper masks that will filter out some, but not all, pathogens.
4. Insisting that your bearded friend vigorously clean his facial hair two or more times per day. See to it he uses an anti-bacterial soap instead of ordinary shampoo. Home remedies, such as soaking the beard in apple cider vinegar may be effective, but no studies have been conducted to prove it.
5. Removing fallen hairs from clothes, furniture, bedding and the bathroom lavatory with tweezers or while wearing latex gloves.
6. Asking your doctor for an injection of an immune-system stimulant like gamma globulin, which is routinely given to people who have been exposed to hepatitis.
7. Eating out at dining establishments that now offer “beard-free” sections.
8. Dumping your bearded male partner for a clean-shaven version.

According to the Weekly World News, as many as 60,000 women have been hospitalized due to illnesses caught from their boyfriend’s beards. There was no statistic provided for men who date bearded women—I’m sure this is a simple oversight on the part of this crack reporting team.